One Year Later

I had my surgery a year ago today. I've lost a total of 132 lbs. and am a size 6. I have never been less than a size 12 in my entire adult life. I look at my size 12 pants and think they are huge yet I look at myself and still think I am huge. I am still losing weight though now it is at a much slower pace. Things are so different now, I actually go to workout classes, I'm trying to tone those pesky thighs and I feel good. I still get a case of the lazies and hungries but I don't let myself feel awful about it. Sometimes I push myself out of it to do things but other times I can't get the motivation but we all feel like that now and again and it's okay to have a lazy and/or hungry day. Just because you did something you felt was wrong one day doesn't mean it has to affect tomorrow. Move on. Just keep following instructions given to you and as time passes you begin to modify them to fit your life and you will own it. Own everything about your new body and lifestyle. Just remember all of this is normal.

Big Fat Flea

Attention Tri-State fatties:

The Big Fat Flea is back!


On June 9, head to the greatest plus size flea market in the world! You can get everything from dress clothes to pajamas here all at low flea market prices. Last year jeans were $5 and dresses were $10. All clothes come from donations from other fatties. In the past, I have gotten brand new items with tags still on them for less than $10. I even found amazing unworn shoes. I recommend everyone wanting to clean out their closet, fill it up or struggles with finding clothes in their size go to the flea's page which is linked above. This year, I'm donating mountains of stuff, including shoes. So, I can personally guarantee there will be good stuff there.


See you at the flea.


https://www.facebook.com/BigFatFlea

Chris Christie: Poster Boy for Jersey, Donuts and Lap Band?

I don't know if this is big news outside of the tri-state area but the loudest and fattest governor in the area, Chris Christie has undergone Lap Band surgery. The barrel of a governor was under constant scrutiny because of his weight, however, during the devastation of hurricane Sandy, Christie proved that his weight was no obstacle in doing what needed to be done for his state. He is a man who is determined to get his job done. Despite his efforts, reporters were more focused on his weight. Like most of us, his weight was upstaging his actions.

Christie's career constantly comes into question because of his size. One doctor even questioned whether or not Christie could run the country if he chose to run for president when he cannot control his weight.  During serious press conferences reporters have asked him how he felt about Twinkies being discontinued, blatantly disrespecting him. Christie  often fires back with being a good sport and displaying humor in his size such as his appearance on the David Letterman show when he could not fit in the guest chair: Chris Christie on David Letterman. 

Christie publicly goes through the humiliation that many fatties go through from the never ending discrimination to the belittling as if we do not deserve any kind of respect or compassion. He under went secret Lap Band surgery, like many of us he chose not to share the shame that is weight loss surgery. Now that he has gone public and has admitted that he did not want to go public because it is his business people are further criticizing him. This public shaming of Christie reinforces the stigma of shame and failure that comes with weight loss surgeries. Sadly, now that he has admitted to the surgery he will always be fat in the public's eyes. 

I am down to a size 10 and I don't have much sagging skin but people still call me fat or something insulting along the lines almost every day. I don't know how I dealt with it when I was twice my size but I really get upset about it now and even though I am in the closet about my surgery and many of these people are strangers, I just know if people knew I had the surgery I would forever remain a size 20 in their eyes. I applaud Chris Christie for having the courage to go public and maybe one day people will respect him for who he is and not he size. 

*Disclaimer: I think he sucks politically but as a fatty public figure I think he does a good job of showing all the hardships and criticisms we face. 

Quick update: 

Hopefully, I will be back with a new update soon. So many job offers have been rolling in that it just furthers my belief that employers don't see anything but fat because before, I wasn't getting any offers. I have been busy trying my hand at different companies. I actually had to leave one because the office would eat cake and cookies on a daily basis and cry that they were fat, go on a juice fast then show up with more cake and wonder why they wouldn't lose a pound. They would also get upset when I would not indulge with them. That office was a danger zone and I had to get out. Those people make me sick in their ridiculous actions and fad diets. Next time I will give you guys a better update. 

Post-op Scar Six-Months Later

It has been six months since I have been officially inducted into the bariatric cult. If you are pre-op and concerned or curious about the scarring after surgery then read on. Please remember, we all heal differently based on individuals and their surgeons.

This is the view if you were looking directly at me. The larger incision seems to be doing it's own thing. Half of it is smooth and does not bother me, the redder half is raised and itchy from time to time. The little incision to the right is also slightly raised and gets itchy from time to time. The one on top is the most irrittating bitch of an incision I have. It's raised, it hurts, it itches and it hates bras! Sometimes I sit here and curse at it.

 *PICTURE REMOVED*

Here is a closer look at the largest incision:

*PICTURE REMOVED*

I was not able to take a picture of the other two smaller incisions. They are both very light and in smooth. I couldn't get a picture where you could actually see them. One of them is almost virtually invisible, it kind of blends in with the stretch marks.

I'm hoping in six more months the top one will smooth out and stop being irritated by everything. I will update the scar progress when I hit the year anniversary.

Post-Op Emergency Preparedness

I had a very difficult time with the aftermath of hurricane Sandy. You can revisit my experience being recently post-op and going through a natural disaster here: Hurricane Sandy Post-op Regret. Naturally, I had regrets and questions on being prepared for my new stomach during an emergency situation. One of the pages I check out on Facebook read my post and put together an excellent article about about post-op disaster preparedness. Please check it out and start preparing yourself, you never know when you will need it.

Weight Loss Emergency Essentials

Cathy Wilson did an excellent job on this. Enjoy.

Double Chins and Naughty Bits

When I was a teenager I had a friend who was 200 lbs., she thought she was a blimp so she went on an insane diet of laxatives and ice cream. She lost 100 lbs. in a matter of months. She thought she was going to be so sexy until all the skin started hanging loose. Her complaints went from, "I'm so fat nobody loves me to my vagina is still fat, nobody is gonna have sex with a fat vag." The life of a plus sized teenager isn't much different from an adult. I don't know whatever happened to her because she turned into the conceited monster bitch most formally fat chicks turn into because they think they are hot stuff (That's a problem for another blogging day). Let's move on to double chins and over sized vaginas. This can be an uncomfortable topic, some people can't even say or read the word vagina without dread but it is a part of this surgery and lifestyle so you have to get used to all your fatty parts and figure out how to tackle them.

Her worries about loose skin and a fat vagina were totally valid. Before my surgery, while many in fatty group were worried about sagging breasts (even the men), my two main concerns were  my chin and my vagina. I knew I had two fat body parts exercise couldn't help and I was so worried that I would lose all this weight and have my double chins flopping away and have to hold up my formerly fat vagina in some Spanx forever. Long before surgery, when I realized how fat I had become was the day I had to wear long shirts because I could see IT bulging below my tire like it's own little tire. I can tell you this without providing too much information, both are fine. The chin went away on it's own and the lady parts seem to have gone with it. My major concern right now in the flapping department are my upper arms and thighs. This is going to be a tough long haul in tightening and toning because I really don't want to have any tucking surgeries.

I want to know what some of your concerns are with sagging after surgery, even the ones you are too shy to ask the doctor about. All sagging concerns are valid and it would be great to hear from some people on how they toned different body parts. Feel free to leave a comment, no need to sign up for blogger. I do monitor for spam comments so keep your viagra and work from home survey spam to yourself.

In the Fatty Closet

Hiding in my closet behind size 20 pants and 3x tops is me. I look like a child trying on her mother’s clothes; except I’m an adult and those over sized clothes are mine. Everything is too big and I’m too broke to buy anything new especially with the knowledge that those clothes will also be too big sooner than later. People keep asking me how I did it and I tell them I have started to eat right and I started playing those Just Dance games. Though, it is true that for some eating right and getting off their fat asses and sweating will work, it didn’t for me and I am still ashamed by the stigma of fatty surgery. I don’t want anyone to downplay my victory and the way I feel about my weight loss because I had the surgery. I’m not ready to come out of the fatty closet. In a way I am disappointed, I owned my fat but why can’t I own this? Someday I suppose.  

A minor medical update: After months of no follow ups due to the hurricane I finally got to see a doctor who told me to continue on the track I am on. Since the day of my surgery in September and my appointment this past January I have lost 55lbs.  In total, since August (including the liquid diet) I have lost 71lbs. I have no stats as far as how my vitamin levels are, they took my blood but haven’t scheduled me for another appointment until April, so if I die, we know why. Thing are normal, my hair is falling out and I’m trying as hard as I can to keep up with the sagging skin on my thighs. I have also developed this constant concern every time I eat that I am eating too much even though I’m having a cup of food or less per meal, I’m sure most people go through this. I’m just afraid of having gone through all this pain for nothing.

With this brief update I will leave you to go back in my closet. Maybe I will find something in a size 12 or 14 (from my “skinny” days) back there. If anyone feels like leaving some feedback I would like to hear if you are in or out of the closet and the reception you have received.

Magically Fatty Disney World

Disney World is a dangerous place in a post-op world. If you are not familiar with the dining plan or the restaurants in the parks and at the resorts it can be very difficult to get the proper protein you need and be able to enjoy your vacation. I am an experienced Disney World patron and I knew what I was getting myself into and which restaurants would be best for me but unfortunately getting reservations isn’t always possible. I was there for a week and sometimes I had no choice but to slip up or else I wasn’t going to have anything to eat again until the next morning.

 The number one rule about maintaining your diet while trapped in Disney (Yes, you are trapped unless you drove there or want to pay for expensive cab rides off the property.) is to avoid Quick Service meals. This is Disney’s answer to fast food, they may not have a McDonald’s but the food is just as bad and very hard on the digestion system. With the Deluxe Dining plan everything comes with an appetizer, entrée and desert. If you are post-op like me, a lot of food will be wasted. I hate the thought of wasting food but they are insistent on giving you everything you paid for so whole plates may go untouched. Having knowledge on what the menus look like, which parks are offering extra magic hours and what you tolerate is the key to success. All hours and menus can be accessed at http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/ if you click on the park and the dining options it will show you all the restaurants including Quick Service restaurants. It is important to find at least one Quick Service for emergency dining. For me, Magic Kingdom restaurants did not really offer anything I can eat and getting a reservation at Cinderella’s Castle and the new Be Our Guest restaurant is very difficult. I came up with Pinocchio Haus as my one Magic Kingdom dining contingency plan. There, I had the meatball sub and just ate two meatballs off the bread and nothing else. The meatballs were a bit dry and I did have to sip some water with them even though I am not supposed to drink with my meals. Small sips were better than risking getting a dry meatball stuck. My stomach was very uncomfortable afterwards but if I didn’t eat I would have had to wait until morning because the restaurants don’t stay open as late as the parks do.

On the dining plan you can eat at any Disney Park restaurant that accepts the dining plan, three great recommendations: The Brown Derby in Hollywood Studios (Make reservations.), The Crab House in Downtown Disney and Planet Hollywood in Downtown Disney. The first two are signature dining restaurants and will deduct two points off your dining plan but are completely worth it. The Brown Derby offers an array of fine dining protein from a delicious snow crab appetizer to chicken and steak (If you are up to that in your post op stage.). The Crab House has a large variety of delicious high in protein crab and lobster, if you are with non seafood eaters their dinner menu also offers a great variety of steak, chicken and pasta for them. Also, I recommend their tomato, goat cheese and chicken pasta (Eat around the pasta.). Planet Hollywood also offers a variety of things you can pick on; the chicken tostadas have a delicious shredded chicken you can eat off the top as a filling appetizer or the tomato and mozzarella is also a hearty appetizer. I had the LA Lasagna which is deep fried lasagna tubes filled with sauce and ricotta. I only ate the insides. Be prepared for wait staff at most restaurants to say something about not finishing your plate or the way you picked through your food. My response is, “I eat like a five year old, I have to separate and examine everything.” It gets a laugh and gets them to leave you alone. I tried to avoid most deserts or ordered something small that I could give the impression that it was touched. Epcot also offers a great variety of restaurants in their World Showcase. The Mexican restaurants are excellent and it is very easy to separate the chicken from the enchiladas and everything typically comes with black beans. Don’t be afraid of Disney dining, just do your research and you won’t have a problem getting the protein you need. I’m still not a breakfast eater so I packed a six pack of Boost shakes in a hard suitcase and was able to get V8 on the premises.

I was nervous about rides and roller coasters. I still have a fear I might pop a stitch or bust open my new stomach but everything was fine even on Splash Mountain. I was happy that I fit on rides better than I did last year but I did get slammed around a lot more because I am smaller so be aware of that possibility.  I do not recommend going to Disney if you are not on solids yet or still healing. If you are still on the liquid diet or mushy portion it is going to be very difficult. Hold off any Disney planning until you are into your solid portion and know what you can handle. I would like to be able to tell you whether or not I have lost weight during my vacation but I must admit that I am nervous about weighing myself. I don’t want to see those numbers even go up by a pound even though my portions were small, Disney food is just so fattening. I’m working up the courage to weigh myself but for now I’m just going to enjoy the memories.

You Call It Thanksgiving, I Call It Thursday

I feel obligated to say something about Thanksgiving; however, I’ve never been a fan of this holiday. I have issues with how the holiday came to be and what it has morphed into but I will give thanks to all my readers. I appreciate that you want to read what I have to write. 

For those of you who dread Thanksgiving because someone is going to criticize you about your weight, please don’t hesitate to tell whomever it is to shove a turkey leg up it. If they have nothing nice to say then you shouldn’t either. If you are struggling because you are afraid of the extra calories, don’t be. Just remember to eat your protein first and taste other things. If you know something is a trigger, just like junkies have triggers, stay away from it. Don’t even taste it.

If you enjoy Thanksgiving, then have a good holiday. Eat, drink and be merry (unless you just had surgery. Then have a gravy flavored shake and be on with your Thursday.)

In the end, just remember that after all is said and done, it is just Thursday with a fancy name attached.

Hurricane Sandy Post-Op Regret

As most of you know, the east coast was hit by hurricane Sandy, some areas were hit harder than others. I live in an area that was hit hard but not as severely as Staten Island or the Jersey Shore. I had no power, heat, hot water or fresh food for a week. I had to throw out my Greek yogurt, soy milk, purees just about everything I have been living off of in my post-op world. I had to revert back to a liquid diet to get the protein I needed. Protein powder being the only thing that didn’t need to be trashed. When FEMA and the National Guard came with military rations for us, everything was crackers or had rice in it, nothing I can currently digest. All my local hospitals and clinics were shut down. Bellevue Hospital, where I received my surgery took a lot of damage and is not set to reopen until February 2013, hopefully sooner.

Surrounded by all this disaster made me start to feel immense regret for having the surgery. It made me realize how little prepared I was for a disaster and had I lived on Staten Island, the forgotten island that was left trapped for days in the storm how would I have survived? This surgery doesn’t give you much option in terms of nutritional survival in a disaster, especially when you are recently post op. I was on the borderline end of mushy on to solid stage when Sandy hit and I didn’t have many options. The first day of the storm all the supermarkets were selling premade bags of bread and water and nothing else. That didn’t help me. The next day they were all closed and dumped everything in a dumpster, old and young alike were starving and digging through the supermarket’s trashed stock for anything they could eat. I was too afraid to do that fearing the risk of becoming ill with no bariatric doctors available. The regret I felt was more about the inability to survive if things became worse. I kept asking myself, how could I have done this? If another disaster hits how will I survive? Then I would tell myself not to worry, by the time another disaster hits I should be further down the post op line… I hope.

Things are slowly recovering in my area but it made me wonder what are the ways someone post op can prepare for small and large disasters? Winter is upon us and if this current weather is any indication of what is to come, we are all going to need a plan.

What They Don't Tell You

I am officially six weeks out of surgery and down 24 lbs since the day of the surgery and 43lbs in total since the start of the liquid diet. If you have never had the surgery please don’t think this came easy, there is nothing easy about it.

There are a lot of things they don’t tell you, to quote my doctor, “It was have made you more nervous had I told you. Would you have still gone through with it?” My response, “I don’t know because you took my right to make an informative decision away.” They tell you about the potential nausea, constipation, gas, reflux and hair falling out but they leave out other things. For those with chronic back pain, only after the fact did I find out it is common for you to have intense pain, worse than your usual back pain after the surgery. I will come back to this.

On the day of the surgery I started having doubts. I cried and when they put me on the table I was about to say I don’t want to do this but by the time that happened I woke up in agony and it was all ready done. I was so nauseous and the pain was so intense, my mouth felt like a cotton desert and nobody would even give me an ice chip. They had no room available for me and I had to stay in the recovery room until the late evening when they found one for me. The doctors say before the surgery it is very important to bring your medications with you as the hospital does not necessarily have them to provide. I did, I brought my birth control and back medication, however, when I was finally placed in a room I was told my belongings are locked up until the next day. Despite my doctor’s warnings not to miss my pills especially my birth control even if I had it with me, the nurses and doctors after the surgery were not going to allow me to take it because they weren’t letting me swallow anything. Even with the morphine drip, my back was in agony. I was experiencing pain in my back I hadn’t previously experienced. Due to the pain I was out of my very uncomfortable bed which was broken in less than the recommended six hours. I spent my first night walking around and not sleeping. I couldn’t sleep the pain in my back and stomach was too intense and instead of giving me the medication I use for my back they insisted on giving me Vicodan which does nothing for my nerve pain. I didn’t eat(drink broth/whatever that other liquid poison was)  anything the entire time I was in the hospital, everything burned the back of my throat, I only drank water and tea. Despite my back doctor’s warnings the hospital bariatric doctor’s took me off my back meds causing a painful downward spiral in my lower back. By day three of my hospital stay I was ready to get out of there, my back was in agony and that trumped any stomach pain I had. Upon discharge they told me not to take my back meds and sent me home with more damn Vicodan. I was unable to get in touch with my back doctor until the following Monday and she was not happy that I was taken off my meds and after a discussion with the bariatric doctors (which I’m sure she yelled at them because she is all about the well-being of her patients) she informed me to stop the Vicodan and continue the back medication. I was walking on a cane and barely able to get out of bed things were so bad. In addition to he surgery weakening your core (keep in mind you cannot do any core activities for six weeks) it is common for the surgery to pinch nerves in your back because you are on a table for many hours and then in the hospital bed, then lying on your back when you are home. Had I known it was going to make my back worse I might have made some different arrangements or at least made my house a little more comfortable for my condition.

Another important thing to remember is to bring loose fitting clothes and don’t plan on wearing a bra home. I was so swollen that I could barely fit in my sneakers. Bring the most comfortable loose fitting things you own.

At home, I had to make sure I was getting in my three protein shakes a day which even up until the end of the four weeks of the post op liquid diet was a struggle. I have to get up at five to seven A.M. to have my first shake just so I can drink the other two shakes throughout the day plus water. I also had pretty bad nausea starting the second week, I have come to the conclusion that my body no longer wants anything to do with high protein chocolate Boost (maybe it is the sugar) so I just stuck to whey protein, One of the things I found helped me with nausea was V8. I recommend asking your doctor before you try it, V8 is very acidic and my doctors were afraid of reflux but it has not bothered me. I have been getting additional protein by mixing K02 (A Special K drink mix similar to Crystal Light except it has 5 grams of protein) in my whey protein, combined with half water and half soy milk. Despite that, my hair is still falling out. The doctors lied when they said if you get enough protein your hair won’t fall out. Now they told me no matter what I will loose some hair, how much varies and it won’t stop until my weight settles. As I keep losing pounds I will keep losing hair.

Despite all of this, I am now on the pureed portion of the diet. The diet doesn’t bother me, just fitting food in is what does. My daily diet consist of an early morning shake for breakfast, less than a cup of Fage 0 greek yogurt for lunch and a puree I made for dinner. The first week was a broccoli puree, the last week and a half has been an excellent bean puree.

So, this is where I am with everything. A little angry at the doctors and little happy with my progress and excited that my six weeks have passed and now I can go to physical therapy to do some core strengthening to help make my back happy again.

I also want to thank my readers, I know you are out there I see the blog hits. You are a quiet bunch but don’t be afraid to ask questions or tell your story, You don’t have to come out of the fatty closet but you can make your voice heard here. I will be back with updates as often as possible.

Post Surgery Wound: The Official Brand of the Bariatric Cult

I am now post-Sleeve surgery and I have been recovering at home without a computer. I just wanted to get this quick post out there. I have five incisions. I took a picture while I was in the hospital of the largest incision which is in the front of my stomach about two inches above my naval and slightly to the right. This incision was freaking me out because I thought there was blood oozing from the the wound. Looking at the picture you can understand why I thought my insides were leaking out.

A week later, I had my post op to check on my wounds. My doctor said she was going to remove the tape. I flinched a few times before I actually let her do it. I felt that pulling off the tape would cause bleeding and whatnot because for some reason in my head the tape was holding everything together. Once she pulled off the tape there was nothing there but bruises, scars and bandage glue. The smaller incisions are healing pretty well. The larger one has given me some trouble. I have had no infections but I had some fluid coming out of the larger one. As of now, I'm four weeks post op and things are healing well. I was weighed at the post-op and I cannot remember how much I lost (I will get in to the surgery and the healing process in my next post. I wasn't doing so well in pain matters.) but I do know between the start of the two week liquid diet and the day of the surgery I lost 17lbs.

So, now I'm an official branded member of the bariatric cult. I will be back with a run down on the first month of post-op and all the things they don't tell you pre-op.

Liquid Diet Day 14: The Final Day

Fourteen days of protein shakes and vegetables. I am prepared for my surgery tomorrow, I even bought a new video game to kill any boring down time I may have in the hospital, though I don't think there will be much. I am now waiting for the clinic to call me and tell me what time to come in tomorrow morning. I feel indifferent towards this whole thing and I'm more worried about going under anesthesia right now.

The liquid diet has been pretty simple, I'm so full of liquids that I don't feel hungry. My cup of vegetables for the past two weeks has been salad. I like salad so it has not been a problem. For my whey protein shakes, cinnamon powder has been my flavor savior. If there was a issue of immense hunger, dizziness or weakness a boiled egg or a can of V8 has been very helpful. For a treat, frozen ice pops made with Berry Benefiber or Orange Metamucil.  I am sure it is different for everyone based on taste and weight.

The next time I write, there will be a physical piece of me missing and I will be an official member of the Bariatric Cult.

Liquid Diet Day 8: Does it Count if I Don't Swallow?

I didn't pass out from lack of nutrition.

Ten pounds down and one week to go until surgery. The liquid diet has been much easier than I thought it would be. With a shake for breakfast, a glass of fiber and Go Greens in the morning, I'm full of liquids. For lunch another shake and a cup of vegetables combined with my daily intake of water and for dinner another shake and if I am lacking protein for the day, a boiled egg. Then I end my day with another glass of fiber. I'm so full of liquids and constantly drinking them that I have no room for food. The only craving I had the first few days was for cheese but once I started making the whey protein shakes with skim milk, I felt much better.

I have done creative little things to try to get more flavor into this diet including switching over to gummy vitamins. If I really want a treat, I have a fiber ice pop, they cost next to nothing to make and you all ready have all the ingredients, all you need is an ice pop tray. I just miss the flavor of things and sometimes I want to just chew them and spit them out so I can have the taste in my mouth. All seems to be going well for now.

I am, however, getting a little nervous and wondering if I am really making the right decision, especially since I am very much in the closet about this surgery.

Liquid Diet Day 1: The Food Junkie Withdrawal

I just need a little something to take the edge off. 

I feel like I should be on Celebrity Rehab. I can pretend to be an important D-List celebrity, the Kardashians do it all the time. 

This morning, I had a whey protein shake mixed with water and a thin slice of banana for flavor followed by a glass of Metamucil for fiber. I made it through the morning fine, it was not until about noon that my headache started and has only intensified through the day. As the day went on, nausea has been added to the symptoms which are overcoming my hunger. For lunch I had a whey protein shake with a thin slice of banana and Hershey pure cocoa for flavor with a cup of broccoli, lettuce and pico de gallo. Being able to chew and put something solid in my stomach was the only pleasurable experience of the day. The nutritionist said if the first few days are rough, I can have a boiled egg. I can't wait to have a gross hard boiled egg when I get home, it is all I have been thinking about all day.

I am going to mix my whey protein with some milk for a little more thickness, if that does not work for me I might have to move to the high protein Boost shakes which have a very good texture. I am hoping that curbs cravings and takes away the nausea and light headed feeling.

I'm off to the grocery store, let's hope I don't faint. 

Fatty Financing

Healthcare is a luxury item in the United States. You only have it if you have a good job or if you’re lucky (Lucky can also mean dirt poor and miserable but at least you have health insurance.). Bariatric surgery is not necessarily covered by insurance companies; some consider it cosmetic while others consider it as important as heart surgery. Insurance will flat out approve or deny you but what the doctors who are encouraging you to get the surgery fail to tell you is how much extra costs incur before and after the surgery. So far, I have had to change my diet and eating healthy can be a bit more expensive than buying Chef Boyardee for $1 a can. Food costs are a given, however, in time the cost will decline due to less consumption unless food prices continue to skyrocket. All the stuff you will need that is not mentioned upfront is costly, for example, Benefiber or Metamucil. You will need to take fiber twice a day, the brand names can run from as low as $10 to as high as $30 depending on the size and at twice a day they go quickly. You will need multivitamins for the rest of your life and those can also be costly. The liquid diet can range in price, if you use premade shakes like Boost or Slim Fast three times a day that can cost you over $100 for two weeks of liquid. The Whey or Rice protein runs about $20 a pound depending on the retailer, if you mix it with water you are getting the best value, however; you may want to mix it with skim milk or Lactose free milk which is another expense. Probiotics are optional but highly recommended by the nutritionists at Bellevue for wound healing and easing your new stomach pouch into running things through smoothly. Probiotics are very expensive, I just ordered Go Greens for $24, I will let you know if they were worth the price. Transportation back and forth to the many bariatric appointments adds up quickly. Other optional miscellaneous items include measuring cups, portion control plates (if you really need that extra help), vitamins to prevent the thinning/falling out of your hair during your initial weight loss, hair weaves/pieces/extensions (if my hair goes I’m getting a piece  put in until it grows back) and various other little things you may need. Then the major expenses after the surgery include clothing and gym memberships. If you know how to sew and tailor clothes you are better off than I am. Gym memberships aren’t necessary but if you do not want to jiggle and flap running down the street or have a home gym this can be very costly.

My best recommendation: COUPONS!

I am pretty coupon savvy and this is still putting a dent in my deeply dwindling bank account. Some of the best coupons you can get come from CVS. CVS spits out coupons like they want to give stuff away for free and you can combine the store coupons and manufacturer’s coupons. Most recently I paid A little under $5 for $30 worth of stuff. If you do not have a CVS find out which store near you is coupon and sale friendly. Buy store brands, you don’t need Metamucil or Benefiber; it is just a catchy brand name. Shop online, sometimes things are cheaper and Google for discount codes or buy things with free shipping just remember free shipping does not always mean you are getting the best deal. Use your hunting and gathering instincts with coupons and if the coupon won’t scan in the self-check out area, call over a employee and ask for their help. There is no shame in coupons and if you can walk away with free stuff you should be proud of it.

Bullying the Fat

I was cleared by psych for the surgery... yay? I was happy and feeling confident until someone in a small group who were standing behind me felt it was okay to grab my ass and then deny it using the, "You're fat and disgusting nobody would want to touch you." excuse. Being the firecracker that I am, I cursed them out and moved away but they continued to come closer to me, mocking me until I finally left the event I was at. To me, being fat is on the same list with being a homosexual, person of color or special needs. I get discriminated against, verbally and physically harassed just the same but nobody is fighting for my rights or sticking up for me because people feel weight is something that can be changed. For some people it is not. For some, being a lazy glutton is why they are a fat bastard/bitch but for some medical problems have caused the weight gain. It is an emotional struggle when your weight is out of your hands even just for the briefest of time and when strangers (or even friends/family) attack you over your weight, it can really set you back.

A former friend of mine ( I don't think I can even say this person was ever really my friend) posted on Facebook that he had gone to the gym and was disgusted at the site of this fat woman working out and wanted to know if he should go to the manager to see if something can be done about it. That kind of attitude is responsible for setting a lot of people back, sure some people are stronger than others like that woman who went to the gym to become healthier, tone or create some killer curves-- whatever body positive thing she was doing at least she was in there trying. However, some of us are not strong enough to boldly display our jiggling bodies even in sweats at the gym and the fat shaming does not help us gain the courage. Despite there being a legal issue had the manager said something to the woman, in other cases it hasn't stopped employees or upper management for being rude to someone for their appearance. If you don't like it, then DON'T LOOK. There is plenty of other things for these people to look at instead of fat shaming and if they want to make a legitimate complaint against them or if in public feel free to shame them right back. Sure it is just more fuel to the fire but make them feel bad about something because people like that will never feel bad about their shitty attitudes.

I often wonder if people are allowed to be fat and proud. Surely doctors will not allow it and society definitely will not accept it. Why do I have to change who I am physically to be socially accepted? Do I really have to get my stomach taken out to be perfect so I can go outside without being harassed? Then won't I be harassed for my good looks (I have been a normal size, the harassment leaned far more into perverted verbal sexual harassment.)? Where does it end?

My Body, My Right

The more appointments I go to the more I feel like I am having my right to choose taken away. Last week I had pre-op group, a one-on-one session with the fatty therapist, medical clearance, an Esophogram and an appointment with the Bariatric clinic to assess some pelvic/hip pain I have been experiencing. Here is a quick run down:

Group/Psych: I am still not cleared by psych. Perhaps it is because the doctors keep giving everyone different information from the nutritionist causing me to appear as if I do not have the mental capacity to follow the rules of this surgery. Both nutritionists on separate occasions have said that we (the fatty patients) can have milk, juice, rice and walking is exercise. The catch is the milk has to be skim, almond or soy, etc., the juice has to be no sugar, diet juice or watered down and the rice has to be brown rice. Everything is okay as long as it is portion controlled. Some of the liquids such as Carnation Instant Breakfast that is recommended for the two week pre-op liquid diet is required to be mixed with milk. The nutritionists also suggest that the plain whey or rice protein be mixed with milk and a small piece of fruit. However, everything the doctors say is the exact opposite. I have dubbed one doctor specifically the Food Nazi, this bitch has never been fat in her entire life, you can tell that fat people disgust her and that she is here for the money. She is nasty to patients and has a holier than thou attitude. The Food Nazi and the other bariatric doctors have said no juice, milk or rice at all.  The Food Nazi specifically has said there is no such thing as diet juice, juice is as bad as soda and is just empty calories. She also said never drink milk or have rice both are bad for you and that walking is not considered exercise ever.

So while I have been good and cutting back on things, the therapist feels like I am not following the program at all. I was not given a six-week weight loss program I was just told to start making changes, cut back on things and make substitutions. When I proudly ran down what I have been eating; yogurt for breakfast, mostly Mexican for lunch and tuna for dinner her head almost popped off her shoulders. All things the nutritionist told me were okay. She then informed she is not granting me psych clearance yet.

Yesterday as the nutritionist was listing off these things as foods we can have, I called him out on it and told him that we are being fed conflicting information. He stated that some of the doctors in the program (i.e. Food Nazi) are being extremely strict and want us to lose as much weight as possible before the surgery however if we followed those guidelines we would never have anything to eat and not get the proper nutrition we need. Too bad none of the doctors were around to hear that but I will bring it up to the therapist on Friday.

Medical Clearance: Except for my chronic pain and my fat I am totally healthy. So healthy that the doctor who cleared me told me I should go to a popular pancake place near my house to celebrate. These doctors are here to make you insane.

Esophogram: Less than a half hour. You have to lay on your stomach with your head turned to the side drinking Barium which has the consistency of Kaopectate and the same taste but without the mint flavor.

Bariatric Clinic: This is where I feel my right to choose what I do with my body has been stripped from me. I all ready have an enormous issue with the inability to get the proper health care I need because doctors cannot see through the fat but when I feel like I am being blackmailed into getting a surgery so they can agree to find out what is causing my agonizing pain, then it is time to rage. After months of telling doctors I need a CT Scan or and MRI of my hip area and being bounced around doctors telling me to lose weight and my pain will go away the Bariatric clinic agreed to see me. The three doctors in the room kept insisting I have the surgery first then they will deal with the issue which translates as, we will do the surgery and then hold up your life some more with this medical problem. Then the male surgeon said if they do the surgery they will laparascopically look in the area to see the problem and that is the best way to find what is causing the bulging. So basically he is saying do the surgery or we do nothing. By the end of the appointment they finally agreed to a CT Scan however they all believe since my X Ray and Ultrasound came back clear this will show nothing and I need to move on with the surgery. In this one appointment my right to choose what I do with my body was stripped away. I was blackmailed, either stay fat and live in agonizing pain or have the surgery, be skinny and if it still hurts we will look into it. Either way I do not see a resolution where I can have my life back before the age of 30. Hospitals are always holding me back from like. After three months of job hunting I was finally offered a job and once they found out I had all these appointments they turned me down and that has been the problem for the last three years. It took doctors a year to diagnose my lower back pain because they were all too focused on my fat and that held me back and the longer they make you wait for an appointment to get an appointment for a test or a referral the longer your life is held back. I just want to live my life without being blackmailed and held back by medical morons.

That is all for this week perhaps next week I will regain the right to make decisions about my body from these insurance milking assholes.

Pre-Op Bariatric Cult

My first pre-op fatty therapy group was not what I expected. What I expected was a bunch of fatties being forced to share their feelings about their fat and the surgery; instead it was an informative session about the surgery. One thing I do not understand is why they don’t tell people everything upfront, no matter how many questions you ask you will get a different answer or the generic “Well it is different for everyone.” bullshit. Are they just that desperate for people to get this surgery?

When I entered to room the other pre-op fatties were all happy to be there and excited to learn. It was like a classroom full of young hopefuls and me. I did not want to engage with anyone, share about anything let alone listen to nonsense. I was lucky; it was an informative session on the same stuff they have been telling us our whole lives: no soda, no rice, no sweets, eat low fat, portion control. Can you feel the massive eye roll? The only important thing I did learn is when they remove the piece of your stomach and stitch up the new smaller section, the stitches do not dissolve, they are permanent. The sutures will be holding your stomach together for the rest of your life, nothing like getting your head cracked open and having stitches bond the hole then dissolve. At my next appointment I will inquire if that means you are at risk of a leak or bursting your stitches for the rest of your life. With certain discomfort I am going to assume the answer is yes. Just another scary bit of information they lacked to mention.

The bariatric clinical team reminds me of a book I once read called Geek Love by Katherine Dunn. Without giving too much away (because everyone should really read this book) it is the story of a family of freaks who run a traveling sideshow circus. Eventually one of the children, Arturo –who has stumps that look like fins where his arms and legs should be—develops a cult leader mentality. Arturo’s followers believe they can find happiness and inner peace by being like him. The Arturans have body parts amputated until they are nothing but a stump and through that they find Peace, Isolation and Purity (PIP) the mantra of Arturism. Every time I am at Bellevue and I see a post op patient talking about how great their life is now and how truly miserable they were before, I feel like I am getting sucked into a Kool-Aid warp. Especially now that I am in the introductory portion of bariatric cult member status, they are slowly revealing things that would have initially made me say no to this surgery but now they have me on this Kool-Aid fence where fat equals misery and death and weight loss equals a bright shiny new start.  I am being brainwashed. My stomach won’t listen but my head will. Only one can win.

One of the larger influences on getting this surgery and the struggle between my brain and my stomach are doctors, not because what they say is positive, informative or even encouraging but because the majority of them cannot see past the fat. If I go in for an annual Pap Smear they want to discuss my weight and not my vagina. Every time I go to the doctor for a sinus infection they want to tell me how concerned they are about my weight, do they care that I am oozing mucus and there is booger crust forming around my eyes because it cannot escape my nose? NO. Because I am fat I cannot get the real medical attention I need. If I have pink eye, the flu, a yeast infection, seasonal allergies, had a house fall on me the response from a doctor is usually, “Can we talk about your weight?” If there is any truth in there being no such thing as a healthy over weight person, it is because they cannot get the medical attention they deserve.

The more I talk about this the angrier I get so I am going to wrap up. I will be back next week after my pre-op support group and personal pre-op therapy appointment. The fatty therapist suggested my partner come to these two appointments with me so he can also learn more about the “changes” I will be going through. Another massive eye roll.

Intro

After way too much thinking and a lot of shameful feelings, I am going to be having bariatric surgery. Despite there being no real shame in the surgery, I feel the stigma deep within me and it makes me feel like a failure. I am sure this belief makes a lot of people avoid having fatty surgery. Fat shaming is a huge problem and more often people who would benefit from surgery or even a trip to the gym are hiding out in their home and in their own skin. I am not encouraging anyone to get out there and show your rolls because I don’t want to see them— I don’t want to see my own—but we need to break free of the guilt to be able to build a healthier self.

I am writing this blog to help someone else out there who is like me and wants to know more about the bariatric journey. I have begun my appointments to ensure I am healthy enough to put my body through this life changing surgery. The decision did not come easy and I am still unsure about going through with this. There is not enough information available on what happens before you get the surgery and all the weird things that happen during and after recovery. I kept hearing about something called the “foamies”  and read so many different descriptions of what it is that I still picture a rabid fatty in my head. After asking several doctors who said they had no idea what the “foamies” are I found one who finally told me the truth. When you get the gastric sleeve or bypass, sometimes during the early stages you may get severe acid reflux and since it has no where to go, it comes up and looks like foam. This should be public knowledge, the more you know the easier it should be for a person to make an educated decision on what to do with his or her own body.

There are three surgeries, the Lapband, the Vertical Sleeve Gastronomy and the Gastric Bypass… since I like having a stomach and not a tube connected from my mouth to my ass (please don’t take me literally on that… but close enough) I chose the gastric sleeve which leaves me with a portion of my stomach and I don’t have to come in once a month to have a needle stabbed into a plastic apparatus under my skin to tighten a band around my stomach. My first few appointments were a Deep Vein Thrombosis Ultrasound which is pretty standard, a bariatric Psychologist, the nutrionist, a chest x ray and an EKG. It sounds like a lot, however if you go to Bellevue Center for Obesity & Weight Management as Bariatric Surgery Centers of Excellence *snicker* they will make multiple appointments for you in one day, however be prepared to miss a lot of work, school or whatever it is you do during the day. As my journey continues I will go further in depth into what some of the appointments consist of, my concerns, the decision making process and if there are any joyous moments I may discuss those too.

A little more about me and what to expect from this blog: I am offensive but in a honest way. If you do not like the term fatty, then maybe this isn’t the blog for you. I will use other terms that might upset people but we (both you the reader/commenter and I the author) cannot and will not please everyone. However, I will have no problem deleting a comment if it is highly offensive or upsetting someone else. Feel free to ask me questions about the visits or the surgery, just remember all I can offer in an answer is my own experience.